Forgiveness

I came home from the hospital late Tuesday night with Caisen. I left Saturday morning during breakfast. Wednesday morning after feeding the baby I went downstairs alone to reconnect with the kids. I sat on the couch and called out to them, expecting to be mauled. The boys, who are most attached to me, glanced up and went on playing. Brinlee, our miss independent got up with a grin and came within 6 inches and turned around, but eventually came back and sat on my lap with a book. The boys didn’t have a thing to do with me all day. Adam even tried to put Kimball in my lap and he screamed and clung to Adam. I just bawled. I’m so sad.
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/Adam sometimes travels for his job and goes for 1-5 days at a time. They just attack him when he comes back. I leave to have a baby and come back 4 days later as persona non grata. I’ve left for 24 hours recently (2 months ago) and we were fine. We also have a helper, so I leave for a few hours at a time to run errands or go to my OB appointments a few times a week. It’s not like I never leave without them. I was missing them so much I asked to be discharged Tuesday even though I could have stayed and healed more through Wednesday night. And now they won’t come near me. Kim’s mom came over Wednesday morning to help Adam out, and they were all over her. They always love her when she comes, but it’s been a couple of months since they’ve seen her, so she’s not that familiar.
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/I called home every day and talked to them on the phone. They came to the hospital to see me on Sunday, but they were much more fascinated with the hospital room than with me.
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/Today things are better than they were, but Kimball is particularly upset with me. I’m just crushed. I’ve cried and cried. I usually keep things on the blog pretty positive, but I wanted other people to know this is normal and happens a lot. I wish I had known that before. I wish someone had mentioned it as a possibility. Maybe it wouldn’t have come as such a shock. This has been the hardest part by far. When I’m not feeding Caisen, I try to let other people hold him and get down with the kids (which is quite uncomfortable), but the boys are pretty indifferent. Sometimes they will tolerate me and even play with me, but a lot of time, they ignore me. I’m still not physically up to caring for them. I won’t be able to lift them for a while still, but I try to be involved with them in ways I can. I hope they forgive me soon. It’s so hard.
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/As far as Caisen, they find him vaguely fascinating. They have been very gentle with the touches so far, but we are always holding him when they interact with him.
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